Absence of Rapture

The waves were crashing noisily onto the sand, whilst people on the beach were chattering away, oblivious to my panic. I looked down at George, who was kneeling in front of me expectantly. My stomach lurched. Oh god, what should I say?

Questions were racing through my head; questions that I didn't have time to answer. My heart was pounding so hard I could barely hear them anyway. I needed everything to stop right now, just stop and let me be alone. I closed my eyes tight, trying to calm myself. Get it together, pull yourself together damn it. I took a long deep breath and opened my eyes.

George's hair had stopped dancing around in the wind.... in fact the wind had gone completely. A wave had frozen upon the shore and the others seemed to be waiting patiently in line behind it. What was going on? Everything had stopped. Time had stopped. People say that when something life-changing happens, time seems to slow down and they witness it all in slow motion. I was so terrified by what George had just said that time had stopped completely.

My body shuddered as I let out a huge sigh of relief and sank to my knees in the warm soft sand. I tried to separate the knot of thoughts in my mind so that I could work my way through them.

I stared down at the golden grains around my legs. We'd been together for a while, long enough for a proposal apparently. I didn't expect us to be going this way, we had never talked about it before, and in all honesty I didn't think this was meant to be forever.

This was a good thing though, wasn't it? I'd be saying yes to a life with a man that loves me, cares for me, wants to make me happy. We never argue, I never feel jealous or pine for him when he's not there. It's rational, stable, and mature.
We never argue. "Why is that?" whispered a small voice in the back of my mind.

As I pushed the question out of my thoughts, a name jumped into its place. Christopher.

My heart still ached at the thought of him.  I didn't want to feel that pain again; George would never hurt me that way. "Because he couldn't" hissed the voice. I ignored it again but guilt was beginning to bubble up inside of me. "You don't love him enough for him to hurt you badly; that is why you are with him". I knew it was true but I didn't want to admit it.

I do love George. We make each other laugh and he wouldn't hurt me..... couldn't hurt me. He wants to spend his life with me, and there was no logical reason for me to say no. It would be a life of stability and warmth. No ridiculous fights and yearning for him like a love sick puppy. It sounded like a happy, healthy adult relationship. So why couldn't I say yes?  

I knew why, I'd known all along. Accepting the absence of misery meant I was also accepting the absence of rapture. Sure it was great that we didn't argue all the time, but I also never felt overwhelming joy. I never felt happiness that was too much to contain. I couldn't commit to a life time void of ecstasy, could I?

Christopher. His name was there in front of me again, he wouldn't be ignored.

Christopher. We had been forced apart by circumstance; God knows where he was now.

The agony he had caused me was exceeded only by the exultation he brought me. I had loved him more than I thought possible. A day without him felt like an eternity that could never end. His happiness was my happiness, his misery was my misery. It had been years, but as much as I told myself I was past it, I knew I would still move mountains to make him smile.

Our relationship was insane though, I couldn't deny that. One minute I was in heaven, surrounded by his love, the next I was in hell, dying inside for want of his affections. It was fairy tale love; it was Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde. It couldn't last forever, not in this lifetime anyway.

I sat back onto my heels and looked up into George's frozen eyes. He was a good man, he didn't deserve this. I shouldn't have let this get so far. I should have faced up to the truth sooner. So what do I do? What should I say? Love and Pain went hand in hand, I knew that. I couldn't have one without the other. Should I accept a life without love? Or endure the pain that comes with it.

I slowly stood up, reluctant to rejoin reality. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes. As I exhaled I opened them to see the world in motion again, with George still looking up at me, waiting for an answer.

I knew now that it was worth it. I could live through the bad, to experience the good. Every second of anguish would be recompensed by unimaginable euphoria.

"I'm sorry, George. I can't." I saw a flicker of pain cross his eyes. He paused for a moment, before pulling himself to his feet. We stood in silence for what felt like hours.

Eventually, his lips slowly parted, "But Why?" he whispered. The tears were building in his eyes, and I had no words to rid him of them.

"I don't know what to tell you" I mumbled.

"The truth!" he roared unexpectedly. He was shaking with rage now, as tears splashed onto his pale cheeks. I'd never seen George angry, I'm not sure anyone had.

"Because...... Because when you're not there, I can go on living. Because when we are together, you never make me feel so happy and overcome with emotion, that it hurts and I feel like it's too much to bear."  He was looking at me like I was a naive teenage girl whose only concept of love came from Romance novels and ornate films. Maybe I was a silly little girl, but I had been there; I had felt the kind of love that drives you to the edge of sanity.

"That's pathetic. Why would you want to feel like that? Why would you want that pain?"

That was the last thing he ever said to me.

As I watched him walk away, I didn't feel any sorrow, just guilt. I slouched back into the sand replaying the scene in my head. But it kept being interrupted by the same word. A name.

Christopher.